


Cycle of Recovery

by TheGreenMeerkat



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Eventual Fluff, Gen, Grief/Mourning, I dont DO major character death without a revival fam, M/M, Not Beta Read, Suicide Attempt, Temporary Character Death
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-05
Updated: 2020-03-05
Packaged: 2021-02-28 17:42:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,403
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23021149
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheGreenMeerkat/pseuds/TheGreenMeerkat
Summary: A story of grief, love, and revival; the sides, Thomas, and the Others mourn over Virgil's death in their own ways.(All relationships can be platonic or romantic)
Relationships: Anxiety | Virgil & Creativity | Roman & Logic | Logan & Morality | Patton & Thomas Sanders, Anxiety | Virgil Sanders & Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders, Anxiety | Virgil Sanders & Deceit Sanders, Anxiety | Virgil/Creativity | Roman/Logic | Logan/Morality | Patton, Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders/Deceit Sanders
Comments: 5
Kudos: 79





	Cycle of Recovery

**Author's Note:**

> I usually don't write stuff like this, especially since it would never in a million years happen in canon, but this story has been in my mind for a long time.
> 
> Enjoy!

_Denial._

Logan remained collected at the loss of Virgil.

He wasn't the first to see the body, but he was the one that took care of everything through all the panic. He checked the pulse, he quarantined the room, he took care of the others. Because while Patton and Roman enacted on emotions, Logan focused on what he knew.

  1. Sides are not human. Their bodies are not real.
  2. Unlike when Virgil "ducked out," Thomas was still experiencing the effects of Anxiety at an extreme level.



These two facts left Logan with a hypothesis. In… ending his body, Virgil temporarily released his "spirit," for lack of a better word. A new body would have to be formed, which shouldn't take very long.

Everyone believed him, but it didn't make anything better. Virgil still… did that. In a rare occurrence, he couldn't get himself to say the words.

Then a week went by. And then another.

Both Patton and Roman had already broken by then, had given into their doubts and huddled together to painfully mourn. Logan, on the other hand, stayed true. He still had complete trust in his theory, but even without it, _Logic_ cannot lose himself in grief. Thomas needed him now more than ever.

It took nearly four weeks. He didn't realize it then, but he had been avoiding the kitchen during the entire aftermath. His subconscious did its best to protect him, but a restless Monday morning cannot be handled without mindless routine.

Logan would head into the kitchen to find Virgil sitting on the counter, coffee nearly prepared already. Long past the need for conversation to break the silence, the only sound would be the whirring and buzzing of the coffee machine. Logan would pour out two cups, Virgil's with extra cream and a sugar packet.

He did it all mindlessly, and when he turned around to hand the mug to an absent Virgil, it shattered on the floor instead.

Roman and Patton would find a silent Logan with tears running down his cheeks, hot coffee burning his toes and sharp pieces of ceramic dangerously close to causing more injury. Cautiously, they brought him out of the kitchen and sat him on the sofa, where he would finally break into sobs that could break anyone.

Later that day, Logan forced himself to present two more theories to Patton, Roman, and Thomas.

  1. His original theory was correct, but a new body would only be formed if Virgil _wanted_ one. Or
  2. Anxiety was no longer in control of Virgil, but all of the sides, and Virgil was truly gone.



In the end, they never decided what theory was correct. They didn't have to. All they knew was that Virgil was gone.

And for Logan, the break in routine hurt the most. Everyone was part of Logan's daily life, but Virgil had become a glue, a _constant_ in the chaos. He never had to guess what Virgil was going to say or do. He never had to question Virgil's friendship. Virgil was just _Virgil,_ and now he is nothing.

Now, Logan was alone in the places he hadn't been in a long time.

_Anger._

Thomas didn't want to be angry.

He wasn't when he first heard. He was a mess of confused emotions, both his own and the sides'. There was no fathoming what he was feeling, what it's like to suddenly lose both a friend and a _part of you._

He's ashamed of it, but the anger came quickly after. Thomas and Virgil had come so far in the past few years. They finally listened to each other, they understood each other, they cared about each other.

So why? Why would Virgil abandon them all like that? Not only did Thomas have to deal with loss, but he was now dealing with anxiety completely alone. No longer would he have Virgil to sort through it all. It was just him and his fearful instincts alone.

He knows, God he _knows_ Virgil wasn't thinking that. No one who's suicidal does. They think the world would be better off without them. They think they're doing something good by leaving, but that hurts too much to think about. It's too much to think that Virgil never truly felt love, that they were the ones that failed him. It's too much, and Thomas didn't know how to conquer that. So he remained angry.

But then he'd see Logan crying. He'd see Patton's forced smile. He'd see Roman drowning in guilt. And he'd realize that this anger he was feeling wasn't coming from them, but somewhere else. He'd realize that maybe, just maybe, it was Virgil who was angry at _himself_.

So he would break, too. The anger would never disappear, but along with it came a deep, guilt-ridden sadness, and respect for the person who'd been protecting him thanklessly all these years.

_Bargaining._

Roman used to consider himself the lone protector of Thomas and his sides, the knight in shining armor under his princely attire. And yet, even when he didn't recognize it, he had a partner. That brooding shadow he despised for so long had been at his side, and Roman had failed to be at his.

Roman failed to protect the one who needed it the most, and now he was the lone guardian once again.

So, in respect, he took up that role. And every night, he would tell Virgil.

“Logan broke down again today,” he would mumble out in Virgil's vacant room. His body had disappeared long ago. “He's trying to distance himself like usual, but I've kept my eye on him like I know you used to do. He thinks he's so clever.” He let out a sad, pathetic laugh.

“You were- you're so much better at this than I am, really.” A compliment. Roman never gave him any. “Think you're ready to come back yet, Sally?”

Silence.

“I'll never call you a mean nickname ever again. I'll even let Thomas stay home more!”

Nothing.

He smiled, ignoring the tears beginning to blur his vision. “That's alright, Stormcloud. I'll be here when you're ready.”

Roman knew his pleas would not bring back Virgil any quicker, but entering his room every night and speaking to the crickets was the only thing keeping him strong. It was the only thing allowing him to hold Patton close, to watch over Logan, to keep Thomas out of trouble when there wasn't another to do so.

It was the only thing that kept him dreaming.

_Depression._

Patton tried to be strong, too. He really did, but it was no use.

As the center of Thomas's feelings and Virgil’s best friend, the focus seemed to be entirely on him. He always had a shoulder to cry on, ears to listen to his thoughts, and a mouth to talk him through it all.

But it left him feeling _too_ much. Roman and Logan got to distract themselves in their work, and Thomas had a life to live, but Patton didn't have that. Even when the others tried to distract him with movies and sweet food, the knowledge that it was all because _Virgil was gone_ was enough to keep him aware of his pain at all times.

It was only inevitable that the constant heightened emotions would lead to, as Logan defined it, emotional fatigue. There was a hole in his heart that was devouring all feeling, leaving him only with the dread of getting up in the morning.

He was just… lost. In an instant, his best friend was gone by his own doing, and Patton would never know why. He would never know what he could've done to stop it or all the signs they had missed from him. He would never make purple cupcakes for him again or guide him through his fears or hear him laugh at his puns or receive a cute card from him or anything at _all_ because he was _gone._

And he was out of tears to shed about it. Now, all Patton had left was a hole that couldn't be filled, and Roman and Logan’s lovely attempts to fill it anyway. 

All he had left were the bittersweet memories held in his room, and even those failed to strike up his feelings once again.

_Acceptance._

They all almost forgot to tell the Dark Sides.

Remus was more sure than anyone that Virgil would come back. He had done some rather grotesque things to both himself and others, definitely enough to kill at times, and it could always be erased away in a second. A side couldn't _die,_ he would be a lot more careful if they could.

Then Logan presented his new theories, and Deceit saw the panic in his partner’s eyes grow immediately.

He still didn't believe Virgil was just gone, but the idea that _desire_ was what led injury or death to be undone in the mindscape… That made too much sense to Remus. In fact, he and Roman used to keep injuries from quests so they could scar over. There was always a _choice;_ snap the wound away or let it heal naturally. There was no natural cure for death.

“Dee, what- what if he doesn't--”

“He’ll come back,” Deceit insisted with complete sureness. He could lie to himself, too. “He always does.”

“He didn't come back to us.” Remus usually took comfort in Deceit’s answers, lies or not; that's why he stuck around, after all. This one, though, was much too detrimental to believe blindly. “Th-this our fault, isn't it?”

_“No.”_ He answered much too quickly. Remus noticed. “He wasn't under _our_ care anymore. He-” His voice cracked. Remus, of course, noticed that, too. “This isn't what I wanted, Remus. You know that, right?”

Remus struggled to keep in the tears in his eyes. “Dee-”

“I- I _fucked up,_ Ree. I didn't- You have to believe me, I--”

Deceit was interrupted with a tight embrace. “I believe you, Dee. We all did.”

It wasn't Virgil's absence that the Others accepted. Even Patton, who had fallen into a pessimistic attitude over the loss, couldn't fully accept that Virgil wasn't returning to them. No, Remus and Deceit accepted something they should have a long time ago: Anxiety was right to leave the Dark Sides.

They had hurt him. And so, that night, Deceit picked up a pen and began writing.

_Virgil,_

_You know better than anyone else that I, along with the rest of Us, have always believed the end justifies the means. No matter how selfish it was, if it benefitted Thomas, it was worth it._

_Never did I think I would say this, but you were right. You were right when you told us our methods were wrong. You were right when you left us to pursue a better path, and though I may be the last one you care to hear this from, I want you to know you succeeded. You became the better person we never could be._

_But we hurt you back then, and we continued to do so. Even if it wasn't the final variable leading to your decision, I have no doubt it was a major one. You stopped believing the end justifies the means, yet you left once again for that exact reason. You were wrong this time around, and the only one to blame is us._

_In honor of you, whether you come back or not, I shall dedicate myself to improving as you did. Remus and I will make amends with the people you grew to love, even if we will never be accepted. We will follow in your footsteps, and when we reach the end of the line, we will continue treading into the uncharted territory you couldn't make it to._

_And no matter if you're coming home or not, we will wait for your return every step of the way._

_Your devotee,_

_J._

The next time Roman entered Virgil’s room, he would see three roses, yellow and green and orange, tied together with a letter lying on the unused pillow of his bed, and a wave of empathy would pass through him. He didn't need to read it to know exactly what it said.

~~_Acceptance_~~ _Revival_

Three months of mourning was only enough to make it through the first cycle. The truth is, mourning has no definition, nor clearly defined steps. To mourn a loved one is to mourn for life, even when the memories are no longer painful.

Even when they come back.

Three months and Logan had stopped expecting to see him in the kitchen. Three months and Roman had stopped visiting his room every night. Three months and Patton had only just started to feel again, bit by bit.

Three months was too long and too short at the same time. It was just right.

Deceit and Remus appeared in front of the three sides with wide-eyed, lost-for-words faces. There was no right way to do this. There was no right way to tell them of their discovery.

“If he were to come back,” Deceit spoke, and no one had to ask who ‘he’ was, “He would come back where he originally came from.”

It only took a moment before everyone was sinking down to a room that had been vacant for three years now. No one wanted to get their hopes up, but Deceit wouldn't have said anything if he didn't already know: Virgil was back.

And there he was. In the middle of the empty room lay a figure wearing a purple hoodie and gray sweatpants, clothes Anxiety hadn't worn since he was first conceived as a young child. His face was clear of both eyeshadow and the tired wrinkles he usually held, and his hair wasn't quite parted as he would usually like, but it was unmistakably Virgil.

Patton was the first to approach, slowly, desperately. He kneeled next to the body and watched as Anxiety’s chest rose and fell at even intervals. The stillness they were faced with the last time they saw him was absent. “Virgil…?”

Everything was silent. Then, they watched as two violet eyes just barely fluttered open to meet Morality’s own tear-shined blue eyes. “P..Patton?”

And then, there were crushing hugs and kisses and sobbing and desperate apologies and clinging on to something none of them ever thought they would have again.

Virgil was alive, and there was much work to do.

**Author's Note:**

> Looks like everyone needs some recovery time, huh? Hurt/comfort and fluff coming in the next chapter!
> 
> Tumblr: green-writes-sanderssides
> 
> Comment if you enjoyed!


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